There was hardly a night of April's moon when the heat could rise and
the rain waiting at sundown. In search of a promising night, I took my
sweater and sandal with solemn attitude. The night was fine it could
brought me some scents from my jasmine tree that the wind always
stirred. Now I thought of the journey with a new excitement, for how, if
one shared the night and should be then easily discover the glimpse of
their future in an instant.
He picked me up and we were melting
into rows of cars. I felt glad by his presence and began daydreaming
about interpreting someone's dreams could lead to a better understanding
about person's wishes and fears. For me, relationship was merely
another chain, a chain likewise sick and committed. A burden for my
existence of being. I saw a lot of people making couple for their self. I
thought there's no surge for me, I have my own needs of love and belonging and it's already surrounded me. Instead, later on the
road, we have it on our way.
Troubles came down, I could only
hoping for the bright sides of it. I stepped out from the vehicle. A
deep hole had opened up before me and I didn't want to fall. What was
down there? if it's not my problems I would jumped it over and ran to my
own liberty. I separated my self from the black mud that covered all
around.
I looked up and saw that sky seemed so far away, and
nothing I could stand on would make me able to touch it with my
fingertips. Suddenly I thought, if only I could walk away for miles or
drive my pedal to the max on somewhere highway, maybe i could get out of
this.
Usually I walked for a long time. I'm a night walker, the
fast one, for real, but maybe not as fast as the triathlon athlete.
When my heart felt as if they would drop off, I had to keep on moving. I
must have held my heart's beat in constant rhythm. The threshold of my
adrenalin was higher than other instant. The adrenalin must remain high
to supply the serotonin into my vein. It would help my mind bright as
the clearest reef water.
Hence, I keep walked for hours, enhance
the speed. The sweats rushed inside my sweater, and I was lucky because
I couldn’t cry. I entered the road of strangers, hundreds of people
mocking at me. That night, I was Jesus of Suburbia because the city I
lived in has not any glance of Nazareth. Young people seducing me, old
people confronting while I wore the thorny crown above my head.
Two
cats was fighting nearby the drain with its stinky water. They roared
and made flesh creep, hairs stood on the neck. The street was dark and
frightening. Suddenly the female cat wailed like the devil’s howl out
from the pavement womb.
This is the wilderness of conviction. I
walked some more without knowing distance. I only knew that I passed
through drizzle rain, dust, neon lights, and darkness of my own acid. I
was never thirsty and felt no pain. Staring at the horizon I could
merely made a joke for my self, I said, "Maybe the sky has so many hole
made by the woodpecker and from the back there's a hunter with his
flashlight, and it makes the stars blink," and I laughed.
I
thought, my house is merely few steps ahead. I would find my bed with my
cool thick blanket, and in the kitchen, I would find my mother making
me a pie, and I would find my family laughter spread among the living
room. I felt very sad so I sat down on my terrace. I felt so sad that I
rested my head on my own knees and smoothed my own head. I felt so sad I
couldn't imagine feeling any other way gain.
I said to my self,
I don't like this. I don't want to do it anymore. And I went back into
my stairs to lying in bed, just before the stream flooded.
